I'm housesitting for my friend while he is away on a fabulous tropical cruise with his wife and their lovely children. Friend left me three pages of typed instructions on what to do while they are away, one page devoted entirely to the care of their dog, a shih tzu named Mitzy. She has pills for her osteoarthritis she must take daily, she has a cream for her eczema, she has drops for her glaucoma. Doesn't she sound adorable? Per the instructions, paragraph 4, subsection A, when I send her out to do her business, I am to say, loudly, "GO POTTY!" as this is the magic command that leads to defecation. I also have specific instructions on how to clean out the sink after using (no harsh abrasives on the porcelain!), how often to water the plants, the importance of wiping down the shower after each use (to prevent that unsightly mildew), where to park my car, and to NOT answer the phone. Oooh, and my favorite part was the "no male overnight guests". Hee, hee, not a problem with that one. In case you haven't picked up on it, my friend is kind of a control freak. No worries though, there is a resort style pool here that I have been sitting by every day while consuming large amounts of alcohol mixed in frozen fruit beverages heretofore not attempted and spending my evenings in front of the big screen tv with the surround sound. Trading Spaces rocks when Doug's head is like six feet wide, although Paige is a little scary that large. Okay, a lot scary. Dude, she so totally looks like a deranged clown with all that makeup. Perhaps she has confused spackle with foundation. So it took me the better part of the first day here to figure out the remote control, but I refused to give up and be beaten by technology once again. I like to set achievable goals for myself, yes I do.
I had to get away from KC for a while, because those pesky bill collectors kept calling. I tried to explain to them my system - each month I put all my bills in a hat, then I draw out three lucky winners and that's who gets paid, and if they keep calling, well I'm just not even going to put them in the hat anymore. That system was going along swimmingly until my phone was shut off. I mean seriously, you don't pay the bill for 3 or 4 months and they act like you're never going to pay. The hell? I tried to explain to the nice people at Southwestern Bell my money flow situation, and the extremely friendly young man explained to me that I was, pretty much, for lack of a better word, "screwed". Gee, thanks.
On top of that, my younger brother is getting married. I so completely hate wedding showers. And don't think it's because I'm almost thirty and not married so I'm bitter or anything. That's so not it. I just don't appreciate being invited to a function for someone I don't even know/like that well wherein I'm REQUIRED to hand over a present that someone has ALREADY CHOSEN FROM A STORE, all the while I can't even pay my phone bill. I really think I deserve some sort of shower for still being single and choosing not to reproduce. What's wrong with purchasing your own shit? I mean, when I moved out on my very own, did I register expecting my closest friends to buy me stuff? Fuck no. It would have been cool, but no. I went out and bought stuff myself. Bitter, party of one, your table is ready.
Anyhow, I must go, it's almost time for A Dating Story on TLC (back-to-back episodes), and I have to go rub down Mitzy with cortisone cream
2002-06-28 at 11:48 a.m.