Thanks Mom

My mom bought me this at-home body wrap kit a few years ago, guaranteed to melt away unsightly fat. Thanks mom. Now I throw away everything, and I do mean everything, and by everything I mean usually things that I need. I have gone through more remote controls than I can count. Ok fine, seven, I have gone through seven. So.

Listen to this instruction booklet that comes with the kit: Do your thighs look like big dimpled cottage cheese? Want to diminish that unsightly cellulite? Is age and lack of exercise making your bottom look "square" instead of round? Check out our world famous SlenderWrap!.

Again, thanks mom.

Anyhow I have started running again. Itís been a couple years since I have ran. Ok fine, ten years, it has been ten years. Five couples of years. Whatever. Iíve been doing yoga too. I know, impressive stuff. So with all these healthy lifestyle changes, I found this body wrap kit and thought hey, this could be fun.

Yes, I am special.

Ok, so first you have all of these tightly wrapped ace-like bandages that you are supposed to heat up in a gallon of water to 125 degrees. Hmmm, my stove has low-high, but no 125 degrees. I put the pan on medium-high and go watch ďFlavor of LoveĒ. Can you believe Pumpkin spit in New Yorkís mouth? I love how they show the spit traveling in slow motion. According to Miss New York, not only did the spit smell like shit, it smelled like a toilet full of shit.Show is awesome, although I cannot look at the screen during the make out scenes. Itís too much. Spit flying? No problem. Spit being exchanged? Problem.

I also loved when New York said, "she nervouses me". Anyone who can verbify the word nervous is quite awesome.

By this time, my wrap is on fire! Not quite, but close. FYI, 125 degrees equals about low, not medium high. Live and learn.

You are supposed to wring the wrap bandages out before applying them. Not too easy when they are 575 degrees. Bah. Oh, I forgot the miracle clay slenderizing cream. I donít know. You are supposed to moisten the area, then apply the cream, then wrap.

See how this is already complicated?

I put a towel down in front of the stove to facilitate the process and prohibit slenderizing clay from funking up the floor. Now Iím in my underpants in the kitchen, damp and applying clay paste to my thighs. Good times at the Toast house keep coming.

After applying the grey paste, the wrapping begins. This is not as easy as it sounds. I almost had my thigh wrapped when the whole thing came undone. Now I have this stupid wet bandage, covered with thigh paste, that I have to re-wrap. And now it is cold. San Antonio.

Somehow I do both thighs, hips and waist. Then the directions say to make a mini skirt over the entire thing. Mmm hmm. I used seven bandages to complete the entire wrap.

The directions say be careful not to wrap so tight as to cut off circulation especially around the neck. I wonder if anyone has died this way? That? Would be way sad.

Here is how the body wrap is supposed to look. Mine looked nothing like this as I did not wrap the boobular area and also I had some issues, but here's a visual:

Now fully wrapped and unable to sit down no matter how much I may want to, I am ready to apply the Slenderizing Sweat Suit. Yes, the black rubber suit. Size XXXL.

In case I havenít said it enough, thanks again mom.

When you are wearing a tight wet clay ace-bandage mini skirt, it is not that easy to put on a pair of giant rubber pants. I know, right? Somehow I get the pants on, but decide against the jacket.

I lay down on the bed (because sitting is so out) and wait for the slenderizing effects to take place.

Let me tell you, this is not comfortable, I think I might have wrapped too tightly, but what can I do? The directions specifically said keep the wrap on for one hour for maximizing the slenderizing benefits. And I am all about maximization of slenderization.

Shoot.

After an hour, I remove the rubber pants and try and remove the bandages. They stink! Of ass clay or something. I donít know. All I do know is that I can breathe again, thank Bob.

Is there a slenderizing effect? I honestly donít know. I didnít measure before and after.

I do know that spending the evening covered in stinky clay wrapped in wet ace bandages and topped off with black rubber pants?

Fun way to spend a Monday night.

Thanks mom.


2006-02-28 at 9:53 a.m.