The worldís largest spider was on my wall last night. Donít believe me? Well you werenít there with a tennis ball, were you? Iíll get to explaining that in a second. Thing was huge, furry, large body and looooong legs, which were a bit furry as well. My living room ceiling starts off at a normal, I donít know, 12 foot height? Then it angles up, up, and up till it gets to second floor level. Letís just say . . . 347 feet. Right then, so where is the spider? Up at the top. Shocking. I went up to the loft, where separated by 20 feet of space, I tried to look at it to research it on the internet. I couldnít figure out what it was, so that meant only one thing, must be a rare face eating spider.
There was a plan hatched Ė and isnít there always a plan being hatched with me? Ė that involved my roommate up in the loft with a full bin of tennis balls and me on the lower level with an economy sized bottle of Raid and a bug killiní broom. Yes, killiní. I really didnít want to be on the lower level, but it was pointed out that my aim is . . . well bad. Fine!
First tennis ball hits the target Ė about an inch above Spidey. Score! He moved down about . . . 1/8 of an inch. Mmmm hmmm. My roommate screamed and the dog took off on a run for the tennis ball. Sweet. After locking up the dog and throwing another 37 tennis balls, Spidey was within my range of Raid. I showered that mutant thing with it. Flipping heck, it would not die. My wall is now streaked with RAID. Eventually he did fall though Ė where more Raid was showered upon him Ė environment be damned.
Roommate goes and gets dustpan and the bug killiní broom Ė which has now been demoted to bug carcass sweeping broom Ė and sweeps into the dustpan (because I am a big wussy baby and will not participate), while I am relegated to opening the front door. Then she says I wonder what kind of bug it is, so I go to the dustbin and peer in, as does she, and of course the thing jumps up in its last throe of death. I swear itís like neither of us had never seen a horror movie. They never die the first time!
This morning on the way to work I saw a car accident and my first thought was wow, those lucky bastards donít have to go to work today. See, that is just not a normal reaction to have. Definitely time to find a new job. Seriously.
2005-07-26 at 3:16 p.m.