Swallow Underpants

You know how sometimes when you gain a few pounds, you can fool yourself about it? No? Ok, here is how it works.

Hmmm, these pants are not fitting over my hips. Oh bother, darn dryer must have shrunk them.

Hmmm, this skirt is really tight in the waist. Oh well, must be an effect of global warming causing the elastic to shrink back.

Hmmm, the sleeves on this shirt are cutting into my upper arms. Oh durrr, must be all the muscle I have gained in my upper arms from that trip to Atlanta where I had to shift gears 37,843 times.

See how it works? It's all very scientific. It also explains how people can become 800 lbs without actually realizing it.

But one day, when you put on your favorite underpants, and your ass jumps up and swallows your underpants, well you finally have to admit that maybe, just maybe, you need to lose a few pounds.

And just so we're clear, by swallow, I don't just mean swallows. I mean your ass literally envelopes the entire underpants area and just, bam, sucks it in.

2007-04-19 at 8:22 a.m.