Stroke Music

My neighbor heard I was planning to move to Miami yesterday, and she told me that she thought I was too nice to live there, that there were too many gigolos. I kid you not, she said gigolos. She talked for like 15 minutes about all the gigolos. So now I can't stop saying gigolos.

I also can't wait to meet some gigolos.


When will that stop being fun to say? Probably not for at least 4 days.

Instead I will talk about cell phones.

Yesterday I was driving a car (not mine) with a cell phone in it (also not mine). I'm driving along all happy and I start hearing this music.

It goes doo, doo - dooooo - dooo, doo doo.

The doo doo song.

You know it?

Anyhow it eventually stops, the doo doo music. I think hmmm, that was weird.

Then it starts again.

I start looking around thinking, what the heck, is there a car alarm in here, or am I having a stroke?

Because hearing the doo doo music is definitely a sign of a stroke.

By the third time, I realized, oooooh, it's one of those new cell phone things all the kids are talking about.

Obviously I don't own a cell phone.

Here are my reasons why:

1. I don't like to talk on the phone. E-mail, in person, messenger, I'm ok with all of those things. The phone? Not so much.

2. I am a bad driver. Scratch that, I am an uninterested driver which might be worse. I own a stick shift for the reason that it was supposed to keep me more interested in the driving experience. At stoplights, sometimes I do math problems in my head. I will try to figure out if I made $214,374 a year, how much that would be per week and then per hour. Or I switch it up and figure out if I made $37.12/hour how much that would be per year.

I used to think this was normal and everyone did this kind of thing. Apparently it's not.

Fools don't know what you're missing!

Anyhow these math exercises usually involve staring off into space which does not allow me to see when the light has changed. Honking follows and I move out of the way.*

*I don't mind the honking, but the flipping me off has got to stop.

3. If I ever need to use a cell phone to make a call, everyone else already has one. People fight over me to use their cell phone so I can see how cool their new phone is.

4. Cell phones are small and I lose stuff. Ok, lots of stuff. Keys, purses, remote controls, digital cameras, cats, money, credit cards, jewelry, pop tarts, underpants, W-2 forms - I could go on all day. If they made those really big ass cell phones that weighed 7-8 lbs like when they first came out, I might consider it.

Ok, that's all I've got for now.

Oh, except that I just heard on the radio that this year's hurricane season is going to be the biggest yet. So moving to Miami is probably an awesome idea. Between the high winds and the gigolos, it will be a non-stop party.



2006-02-03 at 8:49 a.m.