Here at the University of No Name that I work for we are kind of having some major budget cuts. Therefore, employees can no longer be trusted to get their own office supplies – apparently there’s a huge black market for staples and whiteout and once this problem is cracked down upon, we can all rest easy. So now there’s a mad dog secretary that has been placed in charge of the supply room. Mad Dog secretly, or maybe not so secretly, relishes this power, and keeps the supply room locked and will only hand out limited supplies from her desk only after giving staff the third degree, asking a series of complex questions. What do you need the tape for? Do you know how much tape costs? Do you know we're in a budget crisis? Didn't I just give you tape last week? You get the idea. Sometimes people crack and decide that no, they don't need tape that badly, and sometimes she flat out refuses to give staff supplies if she feels they don’t need them. Although I have a key for the supply room, I still so very much enjoy going through the ritual of asking Mad Dog for office supplies. Today, I went up to Mad Dog’s desk and asked, "Do you have any staples?" She smiled politely and said "No." I found her response puzzling because staples are a necessary item, they’re a staple actually, and I could not imagine her letting such an important item run out. So, I decided to check for myself. When she went out for her third smoke break of the morning, I let myself into the secret locked supply room and discovered box after box of staples. I thought “Go me!” and excitedly went out to tell her I had found dozens of staple boxes in the supply room. I asked her, "Why didn't you tell me there were staples in the supply room?" She paused and said in a condescending talking to a two-year old voice, "Because you didn't ask me if there were any staples IN THE SUPPLY ROOM. You asked me if I had staples AT MY DESK and I don't." Whoa, that so did not just happen. So I helped myself to a staple supply, which should easily last the average office worker until the year 2040, plus a really kick ass set of colored markers to express myself artistically.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a few things I would like to staple.

2002-06-19 at 9:56 a.m.