Smack Shoes

So I worked this weekend which meant Christmas music blaring in my ears all weekend. I am not feeling too terribly festive. Here are a list of songs I hate based on my listening displeasure over the weekend. The list will likely expand as I have a solid month of holiday tunes ahead of me.

The Christmas Shoes
Possibly the worst song ever. Ok, you are supposed to hear it and be all sad and possibly suicidal. . . but do not fall for it. The kid buying the shoes for the dying mother? Not really a kid. Actually a 34 year old man with a pituitary problem. Also his mother? Nuh uh. That is his girlfriend. The “daddy” mentioned in the song is her pimp. Get this – she’s not even dying. She’s just dope sick. They are heroin addicts. Total dope fiends. And the Jesus she’s seeing tonight is their dealer, Jesus Gonzales down on the corner of 4th street. They have been pulling this shoe scam all over town – they get some poor sap to buy the most expensive shoes in the store and then turn around and sell the shoes for smack. Wake up people!

The Little Drummer Boy
Ok, so you have a newborn child and let’s think about this . . . do you really want someone playing a drum for a baby? I don’t think so. Crying babies are bad enough, but throw in a drum beat? Absolutely not.

Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer
They make fun of him forever until he can guide their stupid ass sleigh. Poor Rudolf. They picked on him for so many years he was probably already depressed and bulimic before he gets to guide the sleigh. Little guy likely develops an addiction to meth shortly after the song is written before getting into gay porn. Gay reindeer porn. Sad stuff.

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
God, just shut up already. I hate this song so much it makes my ears bleed. She just wants the hippopotamus because she thinks standing next to it will make her look thinner. Not going to work – girl does not need a hippopotamus. Just put down the yams and hop on the treadmill.

The Chipmunk Song
Not sung by real chipmunks. Enough said.

2007-11-26 at 9:45 a.m.