You know what’s more boring than lawn care? People talking about lawn care. You know what’s more boring than people talking about lawn care? People showing you pictures of their lawns that they care for. I kid you not. My cubicle neighbor brought in pictures of her yard, several pictures (approximately 374), to show me. I should point out that having a conversation with her on any topic is normally as much fun as eating styrofoam, but I’m going off point here. Oh yes, I do have one, surprised aren’t you?

Here it is: Lawn care. Do people care about this? When you move to the suburbs, are you required to become enthralled by landscaping? Do you get some sort of fertilizer high?

I tried so very hard to be excited about the pictures, I really, really did.

“Wow,” I said, “could that grass BE any greener?” (I was channeling the spirit of one Mr. Chandler Bing.)

After that comment though, I was stymied, I just kept using the words “green”, “lush” and “grassy” in different order. Taking lawn care that seriously is scary. Dude, put down the pruning shears. Step away from the mower. There’s a fine line between obsession and insanity, a fine line. Obsession, coupled with money, SUV’s, and the suburbs, well that always causes a lot of problems, now doesn’t it?

Don’t get me started on sprinklers watering the sidewalks. Normally, I wouldn't complain about getting heavily misted by a sprinkler on a humid day. Except I would. As a kid, I loved running through the sprinkler. Ooooh, and the Sl1p & Slide. Remember those? Except our dad wouldn’t buy us one so ours was a homemade one, made from Hefty garbage bags lined end to end held down with tent stakes. I distinctly remember the grass burns that we would get from sliding off the plastic onto the looked like we had been scratched by a thousand angry cats or something. Yup, it was the ghetto game for those of us who did not have the luxury of a pool in our backyard (although we did have one of those plastic baby pools that held about three inches of water!). Wow...what a great idea! Let's take a flimsy piece of plastic, wet it down until it's super slick, and then let kids throw themselves onto it, careen across the lawn, and land on the other side. Today that would totally be a lawsuit. See, now I’m off topic again. Okay, so sprinklers. The current sprinkling pattern bears no similarity to childhood fun. I must dodge moving streams of water on my way to work, when I’m jogging, on my way to lunch. On a humid day, sitting in an air-conditioned office where the temperature is around a nipply sub-zero, waiting for the water to evaporate from my clothes is not at all as much fun as you might think.

We all have our dreams, but creating the perfect, weed-free landscaped zone filled with unending uniform green blades standing at attention and flawlessly aligned flowers is simply not one of mine. That being said, I like looking at it, it’s like all green and stuff. And walking on top of it, I can get down with that action too. I just want no part of the maintenance, the conversations, and especially the pictures.

2002-07-11 at 2:45 p.m.