Puffy One Legged Freak

I have to get a new car. No the ne0n did not blow up, although that would be the logical assumption. I mean first of all, itís a d0dge ne0n, and second my driving skills and careless maintenance make it an all not to unlikely possibility. Just last week I was driving through a monsoon (do not let that whole ďsunshine stateĒ motto fool you) when my friend told me to take a shortcut instead of the interstate (even though I love the interstates, theyíre like the veins that pump the blood of America. I just made that up, I think I see a future in the DOT marketing department). I trusted her because she is from Florid@. My mistake. Torrential rain in a ne0n with questionable wiper speeds, bald tires and me without my contacts. Driving through a river of water, all the while my friend is saying ďoh no, weíre going to stall, weíre going to stallĒ. Yeah, because thatís helping the situation. I told her not to worry, we werenít going to stall, and if we stalled she would be getting out to push. 10 feet from the entrance to work the car stalls, or so I thought. Turns out the power steering fails if it gets all wet-like. This seems sort of design flawish because call me crazy, when Iím driving through a flood of biblical proportions, this is a time when I would want something like power steering. Iíd also like wipers that remove rain from the windshield. Not realizing that it was in fact failure of the power steering, I tried to start the car. Three times. Iím no mechanic, but Iím guessing starting a car that is already started, not so much a good thing.


Not why I need a new car, nope. There is a spider living in my car. I had no idea when I moved to Florid@ that the central most concern of my life would become avoidance of spiders. It really doesn't help my stress level that Siamese Cat is always chasing imaginary bugs up the wall. It also doesn't help that he sleeps on my head, but that's another entry. Right, Iím driving along, all happy, and this weird light green spider comes out of the ceiling on his webby thing. It was huge, because itís Florid@, why would it not be huge? Then it web-ups itself back to the ceiling. It just made a long enough appearance to freak me out. I stopped at a gas station to buy some bug spray, but for some unknown reason, 7-11 doesnít sell bug spray. I tried to use my map to get him out of between the ceiling and windshield, but it wasnít happening. I got back in my car on high security alert and drove home. Now I ask you, how am expected to drive my car, knowing that any moment, when Iím changing the radio, or shifting gears, a giant lime green spider could catapult out of the ceiling and bite my head. It would probably be a poisonous bite and Iíd immediately puff up to three times normal size (like Violet in the chocolate factory), then Iíd lose control of my car, run off an embankment and be left for dead in a ditch, where Iíd have to saw of my own leg with the Lady Bic razor I keep in the car for emergencies. If I get back in my car, I am going to wind up a puffy one-legged freak, it could extremely happen. I could not be more stressed out if my hair was on fire, and my hair was on fire once, and I was relatively calm, considering having my head on fire. Yet place a spider in an enclosed space with me and I lose all sense of normalcy.


Sadly, I canít afford a new car, hell I canít even afford my ne0n. Every morning when I get in the car now, there are cobwebs, just to remind me heís waiting for the right moment to exact his bite-my-head plan. I thought about setting off a bug bomb in the car, but Iím rather certain the windows would blow out. Then I thought about releasing a gecko in the car to eat the spider, but then Iíd have a gecko in the car, and thatís no good. Now I have just taken to parking in bad areas, leaving the windows down and the keys in the ignition. I have full coverage insurance, which is basically like betting against myself every month, I mean the only way Iíll ever get that money back is to be involved in a horrible accident or have the car stolen. Iím going with stealing. No takers yet, but hereís hoping.


2003-06-29 at 9:32 p.m.