Oily Ass Spray - Yes, that's right, Oily Ass Spray

Ok, then.

So thereís this new diet pill out, perhaps youíve heard of it? Itís called alli (all lower case because thatís how the cool kids spell things) and itís supposed to block about, oh hell, I donít know, 25% of the fat in your food.

Kick ass. Well now you are supposed to take this amazing fat blocking pill with your meals, meals which Ė and this is important Ė contain 15 grams of fat or less per meal. Now the fat is blocked, 25% of it, and that 25% passes out of the body, undigested. So letís say 3-4 grams per meal, nothing too terribly noticeable.

So letís just say that you follow the guidelines of 15 grams or less of fat per meal and continue with exercising and life is just fanfreakintastic.

But then letís say that one night you decide to go to dinner at Chipotle.

Oh hell, it was me, ok? I took the pill and went to Chipotle, the home of the humongo-giganto burrito. I might have also had chips and guacamole because I recently decided that I liked guacamole having previously assumed I did not based on my dislike of all foods green.

The new found love of guacamole does not mean that I am reconsidering my stance on brussel sprouts though.

Right, well the Chipotle meal probably had around 374 grams of fat. Approximately.

Do you know what 25% of fat from a Chipotle meal looks like? I do. The website describes the oily discharge that will spray from your ass as looking like the oil from the top of a pizza.

Thatís actually a quite accurate description and also pretty much ensures that I will not be going to Pizza Hut anytime soon. Possibly never for the rest of my natural life.

Without getting much more graphic, let me just say that I had oil shooting from my assticular region. The website refers to this as loose stools.

Yes, I bought a product that lists anal leakage and loose stools as side effects. Be jealous.

That description was probably too graphic, but what can I do? I mean I am the one creating an oil slick too big for even Greenpeace to clean up in my bathroom. A giant orange pizza-like oil slick.

Oh and maybe when you take this pill and you think, hmm, I need to pass a little gas. Well donít do it. Ok, just donít. Fine, do it, but then you will know what the term ďanal leakageĒ refers to. Ass oil spray, if you must know. In neon orange.

I will say that these pills are quite effective for weight loss though as I am afraid to ever eat any fat containing food ever again. Ever. Best aversion therapy that $62.99 could ever buy.

I really should have researched this a bit more before putting down 25% of my car payment towards an ass oil pill. Check this, taken directly from the alli website:

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.

There are no words.

2007-06-26 at 1:50 p.m.