passing the time

A few years back, I was in a relationship with someone and in the end it didnít work out. There was no big reason why that I can even put my finger on, no dramatic ending, it just kind of . . . ended. I canít even remember the last kiss, the last anything, because it ended so gradually. I wish I would have known somehow because I would have tried so much harder to remember. After being together for 2 or so years, just that was that, the end. Youíre in love one day and the next youíre not. And somehow, we managed to remain friends which was kind of neat, even through the years that have gone by and new relationships and moves and job changes and everything. Except now, even though it has been a few years since we were even together, this person is now in a new relationship again, but now itís different than before. Why? Because itís just clearly so much better than the relationship we had. I know I shouldnít compare, but damn, how do I not?

How do I say, sorry, I canít be your friend anymore because even though Iím not in love with you, I donít want you to love someone more than you loved me? I donít want to hear about it, I donít want you to call me and tell me about how wonderful things are, but itís more than that. Even if itís not being talked about, itís obvious how in love they are, how much more it is than what we ever had. And itís not jealousy or anything, itís more like regret or something. I donít know, Iím not articulating my feelings too well here. I just worry that no one will ever be in love with me like that. Because I thought what we had was something important and real and . . . now I am feeling like I lost something I never had, but now I miss so much.

On that note, I am seeing mguy. Itís more about boredom than anything else I suppose. Also, I donít have to worry about if he loves me because it doesnít even matter. Itís just something to do, something to pass the time. I think sometimes you do things and you canít take them back no matter how sorry you are and maybe this is one of those things, but I am doing it anyhow.

Iíve been reading some old blogs I used to read, like around 2002. Some have disappeared, some relocated, but most all have stopped using diaryland. It all makes me a little sad, really. Like those people I used to read are probably off living fabulous lives now and here I still am, living on diaryland, doing the same stupid stuff as eight years ago (although I think I was slightly more entertaining 8 years ago and I wasnít sleeping with around so much).

I think I will just go to bed now.

2010-04-15 at 9:31 p.m.