Orange Cat

Florida. I think that says it all. You want more? I came home with groceries last night and the front porch light was out because I never remember to turn it on. Somehow in my mind if it the sun is out when I leave the house I forget that darkness will ever come. Sunset? The hell you say. Carrying my groceries up the steps, I step right on top of a juicy, slimy slug. Ok, ew. And just ew. And again? Ew. I’m trying to get this stupid slimy stuff off of my shoe and I guess there was a small frog on the doorframe of the house because it vaults into my chest, bounces off, and leaves me with not only slug slime, but now frog germs. Florida.

A couple of weeks ago I was dropping the dog off at Petsmart to be groomed and they had the most amazing thing back in the grooming area. It was a cat. Wait, there’s more. They were grooming this cat and the cat was just sitting there, unstressed, looking very dapper and happy. This fascinated me because Orange Cat is very, very fluffy, however she does not really like to be touched. Brushing is problematic and knots can result due to lack of brushing. Other fur issues have been well-documented here. Orange Cat scares me. There I said it. I inquire about this cat grooming and am told that they do not sedate cats or muzzle them, but that if they are fussy, they might put a collar on the cat. This sounds so awesome. Appointment is made for Orange Cat.

Friday morning I opened my bedroom door and didn’t even give Orange Girl time to react, I just grabbed her and threw her fluffy ass in the cage. Homegirl meowed the whole way to Petsmart like her ass was on fire. Soon as we get inside the door, she is soooooooo quiet and smooshed up against the back of the cage. Right, so Grooming Lady goes up to the cage and is all, “oh what a cute cat” and is sticking her fingers thru the cage. Merciful crap! Just as I am about to tell her that doing that is probably not the best idea, Orange Cat chomps down with her fangs of death, hisses, growls, and swats at her 37 times in a row. Grooming Lady responds with a, “oh she’s a feisty one, isn’t she?” Grooming Lady has no idea what she’s in for. No. Idea.

Orange Cat successfully dropped off, I head off to work. An hour later the phone rings. It’s . . .Petsmart. Shocking, right? Somehow, and don’t even ask me to explain how this happened, Orange Cat was released from her cage in the back of the grooming room where she became very agitated. Grooming Lady decided to just leave her back there for a few minutes to calm down and the manager came in because he was more experienced with cats. Ok, fine. Another employee came in who did not know angry Orange Cat was in the back and she runs out to the front. Still not a problem. I mean it is, but manageable. Then a man with a lhasa apso shows up – I swear, the Grooming Lady related this whole series of events to me on the phone, as if the breed of dog was relevant – and Orange Cat runs out. Yes, Orange Cat is now loose in Petsmart. Also? Orange Cat is hella fast, more so when angry. This is the point we are at when Grooming Lady calls me and tells me not to worry, that the front doors of the store have been locked and everyone is on a search and destroy mission for Orange Cat. My cat has effectively shut down Petsmart for business.

Eventually Orange Cat is caught – who knows how - and at that point I can pretty much forget the grooming, it is more of a come and get your damn cat right now type of situation. I go and Grooming Lady apologizes and says she will go get my girl. I’m waiting and a few minutes go by and she comes out and says she is sorry, but they cannot get Orange Cat out of the cage, would I mind coming back and retrieving her. Would I mind? Hmmm. I am wearing all black that day and around 37 animals have been groomed back there, sure let me come on back and get the world’s most pissed off cat. I walk back and Grooming Lady just stands there and says quietly, “she’s around the corner to your left” leaving me to take care of the situation. I see how it is now. There’s Orange Cat in the cage looking both terrified and angry at once. Being not so smart, I open the cage, stick my hand in, and WHACK, hiss, growl, bite. Hmmm, that didn’t go well. Grooming Lady says that if I can’t get her, maybe they can help me, but she really doesn’t sound at all committed to that plan. So I say Orange Cat’s name, and she, this is the worst part, she purrs and comes up to me like the world’s sweetest cat. Ugh.

Orange Cat did not get groomed and I am currently looking into groomers that are into sedation or at the very least kitty valium.

Did you know that if you are out of lightbulbs and cat food, that at the grocery store, those two items are in the same aisle? I found that out last night and was thrilled.

Other stuff? Bracelet pictures. And one necklace.

Oh baby!


The Audrey

American Beauty

2005-06-13 at 12:03 p.m.