A few weeks ago I had my one year anniversary in T@mpa, go me. And to celebrate the day, I found a credit card at 7-I1. Yes, of course I reported it stolen. After I filled my car up with gas. What? Why yes, if you must know, I do plan on rolling into hell at approximately 22 mph in a ne0nmobile.
If you believe in karma, this next part will appeal to you. The next day as I drive off the island in my newly topped of gas tank of a ne0n, looking over my shoulder to merge, I somehow run over the curb. Run over, and bounce straight off. Ne0ns are not supposed to bounce, I think itís on page 37 of the ownerís manual. Damn curbs, if they stopped putting them so close to the damn road, I am completely sure these types of tragedies would stop occurring. Two flat tires, yeah! So make that rolling into hell at 2 mph. I had to walk across a construction site to get to a pay phone, past some very appreciative construction workers (thank you boys). I like to do my part to boost the moral of the blue collar employees of America. 50 cents to use a pay phone? Why are those of us who donít want cell phones being punished, why? I told the guy at the tire place the front tire blew out, then I hit the curb, as I thought it made me sound less blonde. Itís questionable at best whether or not he believed me, but as I paid $500 for 4 new tires, I could care not. I even threw in an extra $30 for the oil change because I like to spend as much money in one day on my car as is possible. As I did not have the $500, the nice tire guy offered to split the amount over two credit cards. Ooookay, how about 3 mastercards, a gap card, and a shell card? No? Well, hey why don't I open up another account? Right then.
Here are some other design flaws I have noticed in the ne0nmobile, perhaps you can relate:
1) At over 30 mph, the steering wheel vibrates so rapidly it starts to feel like an upper body workout. Although since my alignment, it vibrates a lot less. Turns out if you hit and bounce off a lot of stationary objects as I do, and never have your car aligned in 4 years, things get a bit wonky.
2) When the brakes build up condensation overnight - and as I live on an island 20 yards from the water and it rains every stupid day, there is always condensation Ė the first few times you hit the brakes, it sounds like a screaming crack monkey.
3) The rimless windows. Never roll up right, never, Always sounds like Iím in a wind tunnel. The only way to close them properly is to press down on the window when closing the door. And what with all the impressive upper body strength (refer to #1), itís never a good idea to close a door using the window as leverage.
4) No discernable difference between the high and low speed on the wipers. Basically the two speeds would be off and slightly on.
5) Turning on the air-conditioner slows the speed down by a good 20 miles. Your choices are be hot and maintain a reasonable level of forward momentum, or be cool and get honked at and flipped off by every driver on I-275. Also, is there a good reason the air-conditioner smells like cabbage? I mean like a really good reason?
Okay, so back to the rain. I live on an is1and with some major drainage issues. Since I moved here, some half-assed attempt to correct this problem has been going on. Both ends of my street are ripped apart with some giant, noisy equipment run by generators in place, and 50 foot long giganto-pipes are lying haphazardly about. Only on the east side of the island, where the ghetto cracker folk like me live. Go a half a mile west to the million dollar homes, and not a pipe in sight. As a neat side effect, my water isnít exactly water colored anymore. Rock it.
When it rains, the is1and floods, most notably on the street in front of my apartment where I parallel park my ne0nmobile. Oh, I must tell you I have some kick ass parallel parking skills. At first, I would always wind up on the sidewalk, or a good 5 feet from the curb, but now Iíve got some mad skills. If only there were a job exclusively parallel parking ne0nmobiles, I would so totally bank.
One day, I drive home, 20 mph on the interstate for 12 miles Ė as I work in the suburbs and live downtown. Everyone else tries to get out of downtown at 5:00, but not me, I'm special, I roll in. As I come onto the island, I notice a little water. No problem. Except it turns out to be a lot of water, so much that it starts splashing over the hood. Hmmm. You know those news stories where some punk ass is sitting on the roof of there car while some guy in a harness dangling from a helicopter tries to snare them? And you think, damn, how could someone be that stupid? Hi, Iím that stupid. Iím driving through the water the same way I drive down the interstate. Except on the interstate, Iím all what the hell is dragging my car down, and through the water, Iím thinking, kick ass. On the news they always warn you never to drive through water more than a few inches deep. Some people see that as a warning, whereas I see it as a challenge. A few inches you say? Ha, I shall drive through a foot of water in a ne0nmobile. So I make it through, and I was all ďdamn, my car rocks sooooo hard, I love my car!!Ē and I just wanted to share that because ne0n drivers get to say that, well letís be honest, never. See the problem is driving on dry land you think your ne0n feels like itís dragging a dead yak behind it, but through water, it as an aquatic god. Seriously.
I need a bag of frozen vegetables for my back. Why? I have wood floors. And I was doing, um, something on the floor that caused my back to become bruised. Oooooh, got your attention now, didn't I? Perverts. Too bad on me the only thing in my freezer is an age indeterminate package of l'eggo waffles.
2003-09-29 at 1:01 a.m
2003-09-15 at 11:13 p.m.