A spider has taken up residence in my car, or at least that is my assumption based on the cobby webs covering the air conditioner vents every morning. Maybe it is one of the descendants of the original lime green spider as he was never discovered. You know, it’s probably time to clean my car anyhow – I try to do it at least twice a year whether it needs it or not.
I was invited to a friend’s house for a party on labor day. I thought fun, food and all that such craziness would ensue. Yeah, right, expectations waaaaaaaay too high. So we get there and Kristen, the hostess with the mostess, is lying (laying?) on a chair watching a crap lifetime movie, along with her roommate Patrick, who was passed out on a sofa. Ok, then, let the fireball of fun ignite. I mean it was lifetime television. Oh and this movie, oh my head. It starred this girl, Big Sad Eyes, and her boyfriend, played by Zack from “Saved by the Bell”. They had to run away from home because, I don’t know, she was too young and her mom threatened to have Zack thrown in jail and then he would wind up with ass herpes. So they run away and find jobs with this “cool” guy who shockingly turns out to be a drug dealer/porn entrepreneur. I know, shut up, right? So then Zack and Big Sad Eyes have to run away again, only now they have no clothes and no food, it’s so freakin’ sad. So then Zack decides to be a man, and you know what that means. Hustling. He probably caught ass herpes. So he comes back with the money, and she’s all “where did you get this money?” and then he starts crying in the bathroom and she realizes what he has done. I would think wow, I have the best boyfriend in the world, he just had ass sex so we could buy some extra value meals, how lucky am I? Right?? Ok, so then they wind up at a shelter, and some stuff happens, and she decides to call her mom so she can go back home. Oh her mom is Yo Adrianne! from the Rocky movies. So all is going well until Big Sad Eyes gets tricked by her not-friend, and they pull her into a van, and you think shoot, now maybe she will get ass herpes. But Zack is all over this situation and somehow finds the van and the door opens and there is Big Sad Eyes crying tears of lifetime-y sadness, when Van Guy shoots Zack. Twice. Cue music. Well I just don’t know how, but Zack lives. I think the gunshots blew out his ass herpes, and Big Sad Eyes, Zack and Yo, Adrianne! all leave the hospital together.
Ok, right, so back to the party where I watched this fascinating movie. No one talked the whole time, well except me who kept saying “ass herpes” oblivious to the disdainful looks of others. There were no appetizers and no drinks. Finally I said hey, appetizers? You know what I got? A big bag of cheddar chips. Now don’t get me wrong, I love chips, but shoot again. If there is no dip, what is the point? Pay attention: If there is no dip, you can’t call it a party. Nope, sorry, no dip, no party. It’s a rule, look it up.
You know how bad this party was? I was going to call in sick to Dillard’s as I had to be there at 6:00 that night, but instead I decided to go to work. At Dillard’s. Need I say more?
Speaking of Dillard’s, on Friday this customer that spoke NO English was trying to say something to me. In Spanish. Now I only speak English, and I do feel a little guilty about that, I mean I live in Florida, I should know how to say more than “I like the cheese”, but I am a lazy ass American, so there you have it. Anyhow, it sounded like he was talking really fast, as is often the case when you cannot understand a single word someone is saying.
No habla espanol.
See, I know how to say I don’t know Spanish, but that did not stop this guy, he keeps talking. He says pequito espanol? And I’m all no, no pequito, none, no espanol. None!
So he makes a gesture like he wants a pen and paper. I give it to him and he writes something in Spanish, which props for effort, but I can’t read it or understand it.
He leaves and comes back with his friend who speaks about 10 words of English. After about 10 minutes, I figure out that he wants my phone number. What the heck. What exactly would we talk about on the phone, would we just listen to each other breathe? So then he says “boyfriend?” and I say, using all of my extensive Spanish vocabulary, “seeeee, boyfriend, es mooooey grand-day!” and hold out my arms to illustrate his large size.
Aaaaaaaaaand for absolutely no reason at all, a picture of my soon to be world famous breakfast pizza. Be amazed. Yes, I do realize it looks like vomit, but if you can get past that little design flaw, it tastes like happiness.
2005-09-08 at 6:07 p.m.