The first one I ever remember watching was called "Mary Jane Harper Cried Last Night" which starred Laurie Partridge as a whacked out mom who went batshit crazy on her daughter when she fell in the mud. Then she leaves the kid alone and she almost burns to death when the curtains catch on fire. She ends up killing her at the end and rocking her. I donít know either.
Next, "Anna to the Infinite Power" which was a about a young girl who finds out that she's really a clone of a famous physicist that died in a concentration camp. There's all these other clones of Anna (hence the infinite part of the title) and the government wants to KILL THEM ALL because they arenít progressing or some crap. I remember Annaís piano teacher was always poking her wrists with a sharp pencil. Oh and Anna liked to steal eyeshadow. A lot, she liked it a lot.
Then we move on to "Death of a Cheerleader" where Becca Thatcher kills Donna Martin with a vegetable peeler. There's just something so satisfying about that. "I like you, Stacy. You're so pretty and funny and popular." Gah! The best part of this movie is the knife used to kill Tori Spelling is a knife the older sister, Kate from the Drew Carrey Show, just happened to leave in the car - because she was cutting and eating vegetables as she was driving - like normal people do. All the time.
Co-Ed Call Girl, with Tori Spelling as a college girl who gets tricked (it happens), and then guilted, into working for an escort service. Every time she decides she wants to quit being a call girl, the pimp gives her some line and she ends up staying and hooking. She eventually shoots the pimp, but he survives and sues her for his injuries. Who knew a pimp could sue a call girl? Go figure. Matt from "7th Heaven" is a law student who's all into her, but he just can't figure out where she goes every night.
"When Friendship Kills" is about two best friends, one who teaches the other how to vomit. One gets sick and tells her mom, Wonderwoman, where she picked up the urge to purge and the friendship is ruined. Then Purge Teaching Girl ends up getting drunk and hit by a car after Purge Friend gets in a fight with her. But hereís the kicker: Had Purge Teaching Girl not been a purger, she would have survived, but alas, she suffered from heart failure. Shocking.
It is so wrong, but anytime "Friends 'Til the End" comes on, I am watching it. VH1 played it for a year straight it seemed. Anyhow Shannen Doherty and one of the London brothers are in a band in which Shannen sings. A crazy girl (again, Crazy Laura who accused Steve of rape on 90210) wants to take over Shannen's perfect life. It is awesome.
I donít remember the name, but it stars Cancace Cameron and Mark-Paul Gosselear where he rapes her. I remember being shocked and thinking, "Whoa, Zach Morris just raped D.J. Tanner!"
"The Babysitter's Seduction" - the title says it all I think. Felicity is the babysitter being seduced by an Evil Reverend Camden so he can pin his wifeís murder on her.
Another name I have forgotten, but Crystal Bernard plays kind of a loser who becomes good friends with Traci Lords, porn star. Traci gets sick and has no insurance, so at the hospital Crystal tells Traci to say she's her, but then Porn Traci gets the wrong blood transfusion and dies so Loser Crystal has to take over Porn Traciís life (because she is dead) and then Loser Crystal goes undercover in Porn Traciís clothes and becomes Skanky Crystal.
I was fascinated by all the eating disorder stories, or the how-to-become-eating-disordered guides as I call them. My personal favorite was "Dying to Dance", where Robin Scorpio from General Hospital, starves herself almost to death to become a prima ballerina. Her parents are played by Dawson's Mom and Rick "Jessie's Girl" Springfield. Then one girl dies and one girl puts quarters in her bun to try and pass the weight standards, and itís just awesome.
Letís not forget Tiffani Amber Thiessen who is haunted by the ghost of a girl who looks similar to Laura-who-accused-Steve-of-rape-on-90210, but who is not. Tiffani starts liking Not-Lauraís boyfriend and Not-Laura tries to kill Tiffani for hooking up with him (even though she is dead and how the heck is she going to hook up with him) and Tiffani-Amber gets put in the loony bin.
"Invisible Child" where the child is actually invisible. Rita Wilson, Ms.-Iím-Married-to-Someone-Famous-But-I-Can-Act-Dammit, plays a delusionoid who interacts extensively with her non-existent third child. The rest of the family goes along with this instead of maybe, I donít know, medicating her? In the end the fake kid gets fake sick and then she fake dies and they fake bury the fake child in the backyard (which is real). Perfectly normal.
Another one without a title, but this girl from Kansas moves to Hollywood and when she canít make it as a movie star, starts doing naked photoshoots, moves onto hardcore porn, and cocaine use. She wants to get into Playboy, but all the hardcore stuff is apparently to much for that fine magazine. Then she moves in with this sleazy guy in Palm Springs and when he gets arrested, she offs herself with a shotgun to the head.
Oooooh, there's one where Lea Thompson is married to Robocop (a sentence doesn't occur nearly enough in real life) and they have two kids and live on this dirt farm in the middle of nowhere during the 1800ís or whatever. Lea gets stomach cancer and she decides that it's her duty to find Robocop a new wife before she dies, only there are lots of men and no women so the only woman she can find is Farrah Fawcett, who is a prostitute. So Prostitute Farrah comes to live at the farm and learns how to be a farmer's wife/mother. Farmer Robocop isnít too happy about this, but then they kind start to like each other, but THEN Cancer Lea starts to get better and thinks she's going to live, so she and Prostitute Farrah decide that they are going to share Farmer Robocop. Could have been pretty awesome, but then Cancer Lea dies and Prostitute Farrah and Farmer Robocop live happily ever after in what could be described as the most whacked out episode of Little House on the Prairie.
Laker Girls. Tina Yothers starred as a wannabe cheerleader whose lifelong dream was to be a Laker Girl and she didnít make the squad. She told her whole family she made it though. Then at the end she got to dance with the Laker Girls after locking some girl in a closet.
Unwed Father It stars 90210ís Brian Austin Green and the oldest girl from the Nanny. BAG is in a rock band and had sex with a Nanny Girl who gets pregnant and months later dumps the baby on his doorstep. See, heís an Unwed Father. But what is so great about this movie is the casting. Nanny Girl played Sue Scanlon on 90210 and lusted after David, and now in this movie she gets to DO IT with him.
2005-12-20 at 10:22 a.m.