Iíve been on a juice fast/detox for the past six days. Itís great. Not really so much though. You know what I miss the most? Food. Shocking. Iím supposed to be getting healthier because of the detox benefits, but between us, I could really care less if Iím healthier or if my tongue is pinker Ė hey, if it happens so be it Ė but really Iím in it for the weight loss benefits. After six days, I have lost a total of Ė drum roll Ė one pound. Less than optimal, isnít it?

Yesterday I drank something called wheat grass juice, a one ounce shot. Itís supposed to be like eating 2 Ĺ pounds of vegetables, which ok, awesome because I donít think Iíve eaten 2 Ĺ pounds of vegetables in the past 5 years combined. Unless weíre counting Doritos as a vegetable. Are we? No? Damn. The wheat grass juice is juice from grass and you get the green, sludgy stuff in a little shot glass. Shocking again. Wait, thereís more! It tastes like grass. Exactly like grass. Hereís a tip, donít smell the stuff first, just drink. Trust me. Letís see then, I paid $1.75 to drink lawn trimming juice. Hmmmm. Possibly these types of investments are why I always have less than 37 cents in my savings account. Also, every time I burped yesterday, it tasted like I had licked a lawn mower (or what I imagine that experience to be like as Iím not actually into licking yard care equipment).

Carrot juice? Tastes like carrots. I know, so weird. Bright orange too. Banana Juice? Turns out there is no such thing! Fooled you, right? Youíre thinking, hey man, Iíve SEEN banana juice in the store, itís real. Donít fall for it, itís actually banana pulp. Mind blowing stuff. Sorry, Iíve been drinking juice for six days straight, I think Iíve lost the ability to produce interesting, or at least non-coma inducing information.

This is my last day of the fast. Tomorrow I get to eat exciting things like grapes and watermelon. I would really like a pizza, possibly with Doritos crumble on top (what?), but since I donít want my ass to explode, Iíll build up to that pizza dream. Ok, ok, not really, at least the Doritos part. I am going to work towards healthier eating, what the heck. I'm already eating mostly vegetarian meals - vegetarian, not vegan. If loving cheese as much as I do is wrong, I just don't want to be right. I also quit smoking (yes, again!) and haven't had a diet coke in over a week. I expect to stop needing to sleep 16 hours a day shortly.

Speaking of ass explosions, stay away from the dieterís tea. Sounds innocent enough, right? The juice detox book recommends it. Itís a tea, itís a diet, what could go wrong? I suppose if I had used one teabag instead of three, maybe I wouldnít be as uncomfortable today as I am. Although really, itís probably my co-workers using the bathroom after me that are uncomfortable. Sorry co-workers. TMI, I know, right? I see where the dieterís part comes in Ė after the effects take place, the last thing you want to do is eat. They should change the name to Blow It Out Your Ass Tea. Itís all in the marketing.

2005-02-22 at 10:47 p.m.