Today I am wearing giant underpants. I accidentally bought underpants three sizes bigger than normal. Donít ask how, just accept that it happened. It was a 6-pack of underpants. Yes, a 6-pack of giant underpants. There is so much material itís like wearing a cape across my ass. I feel a bit super hero-ish wearing an underwear ass cape under my skirt. They come up to my neck almost. Giant underpants you are so comfortable I donít think Iíll ever go back to my normal size underpants. Also I think they could be used as a sail if I was involved in some sort of capsizing accident that left me adrift at sea on a raft. Itís important to plan for such situations.
Dollar Tree. I am fond of the larger ones with the frozen food section. I particularly like the individual chocolate Edwards frozen pies and the cocktail shrimp isnít too bad either. Also I can get a bottle of diet coke for $1 which is a heck of a deal and goes good with the shrimp and pie. I buy treats for my dog there too Ė they are called people crackers. Since people eat animal crackers, dogs eat people crackers Ė clever, right??? They are shaped like little people. When I first saw them, I thought it was some type of Soylent Green product and I was pretty jazzed that they would be selling people for only a dollar. Iím still not convinced they arenít. I mean they are red, yellow and green.
Not one single person has wished me happy birthday today. Itís not my birthday, not even close to it, but still.
I have a label maker at my desk at work so I have been labeling things. I labeled my diet coke bottle as Bernice. I named my stapler Mike. I havenít decided what I will name myself yet, although I am leaning towards Lola Bigcups, but only as my stage name. I think I will leave work early today. My boss has just left for the day and I feel like he would want me to leave too. Heís a real special guy that way.
Itís taken me the better part of an hour to come up with this entry.
Iím in a bit of a pissy mood today and there does not seem to be any real reason for it. I wish I had some drugs, I hear good things about that oxycontin. Tonight I am supposed to go out with this guy I shall call Joe because his name is Joe. I think I am going to cancel. We go out everyone once in a while when one of us is bored or not seeing someone else that night or thereís nothing on tv. When I say go out, I donít mean we actually go out anywhere, but you probably already figured that out. He always has ice cold drinks at his place and I really like that about him. He has a cat that plays fetch, his name is Wheezer (he has cat asthma or something and makes a wheezing noise). I like Wheezer a little more than I like Joe. He also has a cool place downtown that is close to this restaurant that has a band that plays outside every night during the summer. I like that I can sit out on Joeís balcony and drink icy drinks and play fetch with Wheezer while listening to the music and watch people and feel the breeze. Usually I just have to pretend on the breeze because it is Atlanta in the summer after all, but sometimes I aim a fan at my head and it is almost like a breeze. It would all be more perfect if Joe werenít there, but eh, sacrifices have to be made sometimes for a nice view of downtown, a cold drink and a cat that fetches things.
I did sort of stop seeing the guy I am going to call Pierre because that is totally not his name. We had this huge fight and it was all very dramatic. I donít really remember what started it. Likely something I said because I can be really mean and bitchy when I am bored or tired or hungry. It somehow turned into a litany of grievances against me. Many, many things are apparently wrong with me. I can't be happy with just one person, I always lose my keys, etc. Somewhere in the middle of this increasingly ugly argument (which had really deteriorated more into a monologue of my faults than an argument), Pierre said I had commitment issues. Duh, have you met me, I get nervous signing a lease longer than 6 months. That doesnít seem quite right, but it was one of those things that I didnít even care to debate and basically emotionlessly agreed with everything he said while absently playing with my blackberry which led to him telling calling me a robot. I wish, then I wouldnít have to put so much effort into personal hygiene. I could just plug myself into a usb port every night and be ready to go in the morning. It went on like that for what felt like forever and then we agreed to take a break. Actually I said we should end things because it wasnít even fun anymore and we didnít really even like each other and that I enjoyed staying in expensive hotels because Iíve developed a nice collection of mini shampoos and lotions, but thatís not enough of a reason to keep seeing each other. He said no, we just needed to take a little time apart. I agreed to that because it was really late by this time and I wanted to go home and eat some popcorn. Iíve been avoiding his calls ever since. His voice mails waiver between telling me how much he misses and needs me and then how I have ruined his life and am completely unable to care about anyone but myself (like a robot). Itís fun to play them one right after another, itís like bipolar voice mail. I hate you, I miss you, go, donít leave. Geez.
Grape flavored electronic cigarettes are the coolest, tastiest thing ever. Itís like inhaling grape kool aid. Plus they are just purple flavored water.
2011-08-12 at 10:06 a.m.