Grocery Store

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and I really hate going to the grocery store, but thereís only so much stuff you can buy at 7-11 before you go broke making dinner out of those $5 boxes of wheat thins, the $4 can of aerosol cheese, and an icee. So off to the grocery store it was. I thought Iíd try to figure out the reasons I hate going to the grocery store so here we go:

1. Stupid people are always blocking the aisles while trying to make those all important snacking choices, like cool ranch or nacho cheese Doritos. I get easily distracted in the grocery store, and can easily leave with a dozen scented candles, several magazines, some nail polish, and a case of diet coke and completely forget to buy food while still spending around $100, so getting stuck behind slow people just forces me over to take an unscheduled detour to the beauty products aisle to check out LíOrealís new shades of lipstick and advances in the important field of color stay technology.

2. I hate spending money, primarily because I have no money, but also because I would rather be buying a cute new pair of shoes than the economy size container of cat litter. Actually, I rather enjoy spending money, I just donít have any to spend, except for the generous credit limit the nice folks at Citibank have allowed me to use and abuse for the low, low interest rate of 23.9%.

3. Beer sales are prohibited on Sundays and for some reason I usually wind up shopping on Sundays. Luckily I have crossed the state line from Kansas into Missouri where at least you can buy alcohol in a grocery store. Kansas is weird, it just is. Not that Missouri is paradise, but hey, I take what I can get. I think I should have a card that allows me to buy beer on Sundays so that I can worship at the church of Bud.

4. I usually get stuck in the line that has the old people paying with pennies, or arguing about the price of every single item while sorting through 20 years of accumulated coupons. Or the creepy guy who smiles at me and tries to make small talk and be all witty.

5. To all those people still writing checks, if you are going to be stuck in the dark ages refusing to take that giant leap into the 21st century and get a debit card, donít complain about having to show your ID and/or wait for a manger to approve the check, which basically consists of the manager looking at the check and putting his initials on it. Lucky that guyís there, huh? Also, donít wait until every last item is rung up to start writing your check like it has just occurred to you that yes, you actually do have to pay for your groceries. I donít want to wait in line forever when I could be doing something so much more productive like laying on the couch watching a rerun of 90210 and eating some of those tasty cool ranch Doritos.

6. Lastly, to the 16 year old clerk who rang me up yesterday, would it have killed you to ask me for my ID for the beer? Even if I look nowhere near 21 these days, it would be a huge boost for my self esteem since Iím shallow like that. Thanks.

So now I have my groceries, no money, but I have groceries. And I forgot the cat food, even though my cat tremendously is enjoying his dinner of honey mesquite turkey and microwave popcorn. Yeah, my cat eats popcorn, so what? So Iím going back yet again to the grocery store tonight. I wonder if theyíve gotten any new nail polish in?

2002-06-11 at 9:56 a.m.