Take the good, take the bad

Ok, hello.

I dropped my dog off at the groomers this morning. He doesnít like going there. I have no idea why. Iím fairly certain they donít attach electrodes to his manly areas and take pictures. But whatever, he spazzes out like Spazzy Spazzerson from Spazzville everytime he has to go there. This morning that meant being all hyped up in the car Ė somehow he knows a morning car ride can only lead to one place. He usually calms himself by hanging his head out the window while I drive across the bridge at 63 mph (the speed I have found to be the maximum I can drive my car without the wheels falling off Ė itís a very scientific formula). Wouldnít you know it, my passenger window is no longer rolling down. This lead to some distress, but I figured he could go in the back seat and lean his head out the driverís window. Iíve seen him do this before. I even scooted my seat so far forward that my knees were touching my chin. He couldnít figure out what to do. He compensated by leaping onto my lap and looking out my window. He weighs 31 pounds, so when he leaps you feel it. I think he might have broken something, possibly my pancreas.

I had an interview yesterday. I know, how many jobs do I need? Anyhow. It was for a department store that rhymes with Nordstromís. No, my bad, it was Nordstromís. They wanted to put me in the hosiery department so I could sell Spanx! and fishnets. I liked the part where I would be not only allowed, but encouraged to wear fishnets to work. Still, I donít think that is enough to take a job.

Then I had another interview. I know, shut up, right? This one was for a bank. A bank on the 34th floor of the tallest building in Tampa! (itís only 42 stories, donít get too impressed). I had to pop my ears on the way up, that elevator was not playing around. I had to borrow a business suit from my friend Selena as I do not own a business suit. Fishnets? Yes. Business suit? No. It was a nice suit, however, not my size. The jacket was about 37 sizes too big and had shoulder pads. Oh yes, shoulder pads. The pants, well I guess I am used to low rise pants. Not so low my ass crack is showing or anything to slut-tacular, but you know. These pants were so high waisted I think the belt loops were touching my nipples. It was distracting. Also the pants looked almost normal length when I was standing, but for some reason, when sitting you could see my shins really, really well.

Anyhow, I took a day planner with me so it would appear I was taking Important Notes while people spoke to me, but really I was just making comments on their hair and clothing choices.

But check this, it was a THREE hour interview. I kid you not. They had an agenda for me when I arrived on the 374 different people I would be interviewing with. Son of a . . .

After THREE hours, when the last interviewer (according to my excellent notes, this guy was Eddie Munster hairstyle, but more grayish in color, and wearing a blue tie with little purple diamondy shapes, and probably likes to eat chicken with honey mustard dipping sauce while watching Facts of Life reruns) asked me what one of my strengths was, I was tempted to say excellent bladder control.

I didnít though, sadly enough. I left and drove my car down 11 stories (I donít think my car has ever been up so high, it seemed quite pleased) out of the parking garage and went home to take a nap.

I accidentally took an 11 hour nap. These things happen.

2006-05-11 at 11:03 a.m.