New Store Manager – I can’t even remember his name. His first act as new store manager was doing away with the morning meetings. Sure they were cheesy, but come on. He also seems to dislike customers.
Marla – she’s insane, but a good insane, not the scary-may-kill-you-with-a-paper-punch kind. She carries a notebook with her everywhere that she writes down register instructions in that only she can understand. Anytime she starts a transaction she consults the notebook. She also says “man” a lot. You know what I mean, man? Man.
Kathy – I can’t believe I forgot this one! She hates me for no apparent reason. She hates to talk to me so naturally I force her to say hello to me at every opportunity. Instead of “ask” she says “ax”. She always talks about how she went to boarding school, but I’m wondering what the heck kind of boarding school teaches you to use “ax” as a verb. That is enough for me to hate her back, pbltttttttttt. She’s in looooove with Jake.
Jake – Oddly enough looks a little like Jake from “Sixteen Candles”, but with a larger nose, and shorter hair, and squintier eyes – ok fine, he looks nothing like him. Has a business degree in marketing, but works at Dullard’s because of a marijuana possession charge on his record – Dullard’s doesn’t do background checks. Seriously? If there were drug testing, there would only be about three employees left in the store.
Eric – He worked in Tommy Hillfiger, but was fired for sleeping in the dressing room. He used to disappear for hours at a time. He also had an aversion to folding so that every customer’s purchase was wadded in a ball before being dumped in a bag. Hard to believe he’s not there anymore.
Ben – He looked like a guppy. Worked part-time and during the day worked as a CPA. Fired (well actually quit two seconds before being fired) for stealing. Dumbass.
Stephen – Eric’s best friend, fired for sleeping in the dressing room. Not with Eric sadly because that would have made for much more interesting gossip. For the next few days everyone would say, “did you hear what happened to Stephen?” and I would say no so that they could tell the story and feel all special. See, I can be nice.
Customer Service Women – Man (tm Marla), they are mean. Really just a horrible group of hateful, bitter people. If you hate people, life, and pretty much everything, Dullard’s customer service department is the right place for you. Apply today
I must go now – only ten miles of the Tampa bay separates me from three hours of Dullard’s nonstop action. I’m in the Big and Tall department tonight – giant underpants and socks and ties, oh my.
2005-08-03 at 5:01 p.m.