Felony Shower

So did anyone else have the sheriff’s department come to their house while they were in the shower last night, or was it just me?

Right, thought so.

I have this friend Selena, her secret power being that she is super annoying. Last night, I found out just how annoying.

If anyone reads this story and feels that she was “just being a good friend”, feel free to suck it.

She called Saturday a few times and I was screening, so I didn’t answer. We were supposed to maybe meet up Saturday, but no definite plans.

Selena is turning 33 this year and her main goal in life is to find a husband and start a family. That’s fine for her I suppose, but it gets old to be around super fast.

Super is the word of the day it seems.

Sunday she called a few more times, but I still didn’t answer.

Ok, for real, she called 23 times. The heck?

Last night, about 10 I am in the shower. I’m in there for let’s say about 39 minutes – I take long showers, sue me. I have the fan on in the bathroom and the radio (Hot Hot Heat if you must know.)

I’m all into the showering experience and everything is going well, then it happens. I hear this outside my door:

“Toast!?!”

Oh dear . See now I live alone, all by myself, just me. The fact that there is someone outside my bathroom door? So not the good.

I calmly say, “yes?”

That’s the military training kicking in, you know they teach you not to panic.

I’m kidding, I was in shock and curious to see what the voice on the other side would say. I figured it wasn’t a burglar because how many burglars know my name.

What like 2, maybe 3 tops?

God, is that you? Maybe the cat has learned how to talk and is unhappy with the litter box situation.

It’s a female’s voice and then the voice of God says, “This is the XYZ County Sheriff’s Department, can you come out?”

See now, that just is not even right. I say, “Sure, give me a second.” It's not God on the other side of the door and I have to get out of my shower early, dang.

I am trying to think why exactly the sheriff’s department is in my bedroom. I haven’t stolen anything since high school. I haven’t done any drugs in a few years.

Then I think, ooooh, maybe it was that stolen laptop from work and they are doing surprise sneak lie detector tests at employee’s homes.

Because that is totally the logical assumption in this situation.

You know what, you didn’t have the sheriff’s department outside your door while you were loofaing important places, so step it back.

Obviously it was that Dumbass Selena who called them.

You might be thinking, wow, what a great friend, so concerned about you.

If you are thinking that, I advise you to keep it to yourself.

See, Dumbass Selena has a key to my house. If she was that concerned, she could have come and checked on me herself, but she didn’t, due to the fact that she is huge lazy ass. So instead she has the cops break into my house while I am in the shower.

The officers are questioning me about why I did not call Dumbass Selena back. Umm, because she’s a dumbass? How is that a crime? And how does that warrant the police being allowed to break into my home?

Maybe it’s the patriot act?

Shoot, my heart was beating like a rabbit. After assuring the deputies that I was in fact fine, and had not been dismembered by a serial killer or feeling particularly suicideal, I walked them to the front door.

Then Officer Chatty sees this mosaic picture I am working on and starts asking how do I do that, how long does it take, it’s so neat.

Ok, I am in a towel, does it look like I am in the mood to talk about art? I think not.

They asked if I would like to call Dumbass Selena or if I would like them to call her instead.

I told them to call, because what I had to say to Dumbass Selena would probably involve several more four letter words than what they had to say.

The deputies also informed me that my dog wasn’t a very good watchdog.

Well really, you don’t say, no kidding.

Senor Scaredy Wussy Pants ran into the bedroom as the deputies broke into the back door and stayed under the bed until he heard my voice. Then he bravely ran and hid behind my legs.

No more Pupperoni or Beggin’ Strips for him until he earns them!


2006-02-06 at 10:14 a.m.