Fat Raccoon, Fuzzy Butt and Orange Cat

The two roommates I am living with have two cats. I also have a cat. So we are up to three people and three cats.

We are at capacity and accepting neither humans nor cats at this time.

One cat - I call her Fat Raccoon because she is fat and looks like a raccoon (I am quite clever like that) - has to be on a special diet as she is allergic to everything.

The other cat - I call him Fuzzy Butt (because his butt is fuzzy) - also has to eat this hypo-allergenic food because they share a food bowl.

Now this special food costs $25 for a small bag and I am not paying that.

I paid $10 for my cat at the pet store 10 years ago and I'm pretty sure she has depreciated in value ever since so no, no special $25 food for her.

She stays in my room with her own bowl of food and water, a futon and a window. If I were a cat, I would be thrilled with this set up.

Is Orange Cat thrilled? No, no she is not thrilled with the arrangement and races out any chance she gets. However, unlike the other two cats, Orange Cat is declawed.

I have not told her yet she is declawed. I am waiting until she is 13.

Fat Racoon kicks Orange Cat's ass every time and then she is outside my door howling to be let back in. I don't feel too bad because Orange Cat starts the fights. Every single time. Once I let her back in, she comes in, looks around with disdain, fishes two pieces of food out of her bowl and eats one (leaves the other one for me to step on), licks herself, and then starts howling to be let back out into the wild of the living room.

It's a process we repeat about 17 times a night.

Oh and what about the other cat? So then Fuzzy Butt (the only male in the house) is not at all happy with the flavor of the low-allergen food and will do anything within his power to get into my room and the cheaper, yet tastier food. It's the McDonald's of cat food. Cheap and tasty. He waits outside the door all night and as soon as it is opened an inch, he races in and begins eating.

I feel bad for him sometimes so I used to give him ten minutes alone a day in the room to eat as much food as he wanted. My version of the extra value menu. However, his privileges have since been revoked. Why? Somehow he finished the whole bowl (in under five minutes) and deciding he was still hungry, pried open a closed door and climbed to the top shelf (knocking over several boxes) to get into the ENTIRE BAG of cat food.

He gnawed a hole in the bottom and just started sucking kitty bits out.

I have not checked yet, but I am sure that Fuzzy Butt has opposable thumbs.

After being banished forver from my room, Fuzzy Butt has decided that garbage is an acceptable form of nourishment. This is accomplished by knocking over the can and crawling inside and pulling out whatever he feels like.

His favorite foods are chicken bones, Crest White strips and chicken bones.

Well that concludes tales from the cat house. I am taking Orange Cat to the vet tomorrow for something to knock her out before I drive her 2,000 miles, so pray for the mercy of the souls of the fine employees that will be working at the Tampa Petsmart tomorrow.

2007-11-30 at 11:12 a.m.