Fat for Humanity

I have a houseguest staying with me. She is very thin and model-esque. Actually she is a model.

She also has fake boobs, and there is no reason for me to mention that, but it's out there now, and there's no taking it back.

I gave her a bunch of my old clothes, really nice stuff that has been in boxes for the past few years.

It made me a little sad to see how nicely it all fit her and how it no longer fits me.

It did bring me a small amount of joy though when my size zero pants were too tight for her. I'm shallow sometimes, what? That's what I thought.

Anyhow Model Houseguest is actually quite nice and so that makes it hard to hate her. Also she happens to be one of my very best friends (a BFF, how 1985). She does feel the need to give me diet and exercise advice (did I mention she's a fitness model?) which every now and then makes me want to twist her eyelids into weird shapes, but other than that, what can you do?

So anyhow . . . I figure that I have gained about 40 lbs in the past four years. Maybe a little more.

If you think about it, it's quite impressive. That's around a 1 pound per month gain. That's right, 1 lb/month.

Most of the fatulence is centered around my mid-section. I think that's good though, got to protect the old uterus. The baby maker. Not that I am planning on actually having babies, or even A baby, but you know, let's just say there is some sort of nuclear disaster. Most of the earth's population is gone, wiped out. What is left except for a few brain sucking nuclear mutant zombies? That's right me and a handful of ragtag survivors to repopulate the earth. I mean skinny girls aren't going to be able to reproduce, they'll probably be freaked out by the lack of treadmills and unavailability of Zone bars, and most likely be eaten by the brain sucking nuclear zombies. For serious and no doubt.

So who does this massive responsibility fall too? That's right, me. It's an awesome and powerful gift that I do not take lightly.

And that is why I carry the extra 40 lbs. It's not for me, it's for humanity.

2007-04-23 at 2:20 p.m.