face leverage

Ed was trying to fix something for my pool, and he had this plastic device on his lap while trying to put in the screws. It wasnít going well. Hereís what was said:

Me: Why donít you try putting it on the ground for leverage?

Ed: Why donít you try putting your face on the ground for leverage?

I have no idea why, but for some reason that cracked me up. It still cracks me up today typing it. If someone were to ask me why I am still with Ed, I really couldnít give you an answer, but that exchange might be as close as I can get to one.

I do still want to run over him with my car, but he knows that. I tell him all the time. He tells me the same thing. We fight all the time and about the stupidest stuff. Letís see, the last one was about what the difference is between a comic book and a graphic novel. I say itís just a really long comic book, but he insists no, itís a novel. This argument resulted in us not speaking for an hour. Last week , we had an argument about the probability that our children would have blonde hair and blue eyes (like him). Now keep in mind that we are never, ever going to have children. Ever. That did not stop the argument though. I swear it involved drawing out punnnett squares and everything. I remember us arguing about who brought in the mail one time. There was a check I was waiting on. We started arguing that someone had brought the mail in and misplaced it or thrown it away. Turned out, the mail was still in the mailbox. We had a fight about Kelly Clarkson. I got so mad I asked him to stop the car so I could get out and walk the rest of the way home (12 miles). What?! Why? We fought about the time zone of Detroit (neither of us have ever been or will probably ever go there), if Mick Jagger is or was ever sexy (I am firmly on the no side), whether or not a table at Ikea was black or espresso (be prepared for a fight anytime you go to Ikea no matter how things are going prior to walking in the door), the proper location of luggage zippers (top, middle or bottom), whether or not an outdoor rug can be used indoors, the cause of world war II, whether to downshift when approaching a red stoplight (that isnít going to change to green) or whether to just put the car in neutral and apply the brake, how he thinks my leaving knives pointing up in the dishwasher is an attempt to kill him (like how maybe if the dishwasher is open and he trips over the dog and falls face first onto the pointy knife because that is such a realistic scenario), and toilet paper.

The toilet paper happened after we decided to go to the grocery store together to pick up something for dinner. Neither one of us had eaten anything in about 12 hours so tempers were already on edge. Then I remembered I needed toilet paper and he threw a 4 pack of it in the cart and everything fell apart from there. The actual fight was much longer, but here is the condensed version.

Me: Why would you only grab a four pack? (I pull out the four pack and grab the 12-pack and throw in cart).

Him: How many rolls do you need? Thatís ridiculous, you donít even have room for 12 rolls (grabs 12 pack and takes it out and goes for 4 pack).

Me: How the hell do I not have room for 12 rolls of toilet paper, itís toilet paper for fuckís sake! (I struggle to pull the 4 pack out of his hands).

Him: We always buy the 4 count, buying 12 rolls at once is wasteful. (I lose my grip on the 4 pack)

Me: First off, you only have ever bought toilet paper once in the past two years and it was the 4 count which is why we are currently out of toilet paper. Second, how is it wasteful? Itís toilet paper, not ripe bananas.

Him: Oh go to hell.

Me: You first.

Him: I am already there.

Then I ran him over with my car.

Ok, not really, but I was definitely thinking about it that night.

2013-05-28 at 11:27 a.m.