This morning I saw a real live armadillo. Now if I had a dollar for every dead armadillo Iíve seen on the side of the road, Iíd have a buttload of dollars, but this was a live one and it was oh so exciting. No, I donít have a lot going on in my life right now. So I rolled down my car window and said ďhey there Ďdillo!Ē and the little fella looked right at me and started coming toward the car. Oh holy crap, I can communicate with animals. Rock on. Except then he went under my car. Apparently armadillos resent being called dillos. Good to know. I rolled up my window and waited and waited, but he wasnít coming out. I didnít want to back over the stupid thing and I didnít want to get out of the car to check on what he was up to. I mean what if he bit through my Achilles tendon. It could totally happen. I mean I have been attacked by a groundh0g before so it's not as if it's outside the realm of possibility. I felt like that woman in that movie Cuj0, trapped and helpless in my car, running out of oxygen. Except instead of a rabid Beethoven-esque type dog, it was a disgruntled armadillo. Maybe I exaggerate a bit. Maybe a lot. It's my diary, and you weren't there, so back off!! Then I started wondering what the hell he was doing under there. Chewing threw the brake line? Gnawing his way through the floorboard? 21 more E-Z payments and I own that Ne0n outright so Iíll be damned if I let some freak of nature aardvark relative destroys it. I rolled down my window and yelled ďhey you stupid shithead armadillo get the hell out from under my car!Ē And you know, he did. Wow, I really can communicate with animals. Up yours Pet Psychic Lady.
A couple of days a go I was out jogging, because I do stuff like that, you know, jog and shit. Well not shit literally, at least not everyday. Um, okay, see the narrative just took a really ugly turn there. So I found this little turtle while Iím out jogging and it was quite honestly the cutest little turtle ever. I wanted to take him home and name him Paco. So I picked him up and the damn thing bit me. Iím not even going to pretend that didnít hurt. Filthy turtle filthed me up with all his turtle germs. I put Paco the biting turtle back where I found him and wished him much happiness.
Okay, Iím just going to come right out and say something that does not seem to be very popular: I hated L0rd of the Rings. I finally watched it Sunday night. Most. Boring. Movie. Ever. It was almost as bad as that time in the 4th grade when I was forced to sit through St@r W@rs (quality public education indeed). L0rd of the Rings? Fight scenes went on forever. Rudy calling that guy Mr. Fr0do all the time, how gay was that? When that guy with the beard (that I kept confusing with other guy with beard) got shot with the arrows at the end, dude took like 20 minutes to die. No wonder the movie was so long. I stopped watching it at that point. Was it almost over? Do I care? No, no I do not. I would rather stab my eyes with a spork than watch another minute of that movie.