Sunday night was a flurry of activity for the cats of the Toast household. I fell asleep downstairs watching a movie and just assumed from the noise level above me that the cats were tearing each other apart – whichever cat survived the night would be declared the winner in the morning. I walked upstairs to find Siamese Cat crouched in attack position, ready for danger. Takes off into the bedroom and somersaults over a half dead lizard. That is so awesome. Crouching Kitty, Hidden Lizard. It wasn’t a cute little lizard like last time either, oh no, this was a 6 foot long one. Ok fine, 6 inches, but 6 inch lizards scare me. You know what I mean, get out of the gutter. Yes and spiders scare me too. Ok, yes also gerbils scare me, what? I assume it is dead because I see what appear to be lizard parts scattered farther off in the room. I go downstairs to wake up my rooomate and tell her to get a dustpan and broom. She laughs at me (hmmmph!), agrees to follow me halfway up the stairs, but won’t come in the room. She tells me to just go in there and take care of things and stop being a big wussy scaredy baby. That’s it, I am going to get this lizard and throw it in her big head. Then I am getting a new friend and a new cat. I have to go in the room. Deep breath. Only slightly wigged, I throw the dustpan on the floor near dead lizard and standing as far away from dustpan as possible, attempt to sweep up dead lizard. Dead lizard that flops over and starts spazzing out. Worst dead lizard ever. Siamese Cat is all over that action, he pounces and bats the lizard about three feet in the air onto my bed. Thanks, now I have lizard infected sheets. Add sheets to my list of new things to get today. I scream, roommate runs away to the kitchen. We are not equipped to live in Florida. Dude. Worst Monday ever. I finally get the lizard into the dustpan and calmly walk him downstairs by holding the dustpan as far away from my body as possible and flinging him out the back door. Now all that is left to do is clean up the body parts left in my room, no problem. Although it did seem weird that Dead Lizard was not missing any appendages. Oh well, no worries. I see upon inspection that the items left on my bedroom floor are pieces of a dead cockroach. Uh huh. The carnage that went on in my bedroom Sunday night boggles the mind. Ok the roach parts are stressing me out even more. I briefly consider flushing them, but what if they regenerate into a whole army of roaches with aquatic powers? Because that? Could totally happen. I put them in a bag, sealed it, put it in another bag, and ran it out to the curb. I rule, yes, thank you, I know.
Tuesday morning, I wake up in my bed and notice a brown trail across my floor that extends into the loft. Whatever could that be? Oh good morning Orange Cat, watcha doin’? Licking your butt? Couldn’t be because you were using the litterbox and something got, oh I don’t know, stuck and you tried valiantly to remove it by dragging your fat ass across the entire house, and when that didn’t work, you tried licking crap off your butt, could it? Because that? Is totally what happened. Man. Worst Tuesday ever. Orange Cat was quarantined to the bathroom while I formulated a plan of action.I put on a pair of disposable latex gloves that I keep for such emergencies and located a pair of scissors. See Orange Cat does not like to be touched, maybe petted once in a while, but never under any circumstance should she be picked up. She’s like fine art – look, appreciate and admire, but do not touch. You can imagine how much fun trimming her poop stank butt was, mmm hmm. Orange Cat is very fluffy with a great deal of fluff centralized in the assticular region. I tried using her tail as a handle, but damn, homegirl is bendy like Gumby. Sharp-ass razor teeth too.
Everything is ok this afternoon. I only have about 20 puncture marks in my hand – thank you Orange Cat. I am taking her in to get shaved this week and I am not even playing around anymore. I don’t even care if all the other cats in the neighborhood make fun of her and call her butch. I will get her a black spiked collar and she will look like the bad-ass she is and her new name will be St@nk Butt Dragger. SBD for short.
2004-08-11 at 7:56 p.m.