RIP L@rry the Fish

In K@ns@s City, they have this thing called the Wave. People in KC are big Wavers. They canít drive, but make up for it by being nice about it. If someone is nice and lets you in front of them, youíre supposed to give the Wave. If you donít give the Wave, people get all pissy, itís hilarious, really.


See now in T@mpa though, youíve got to watch your back out there. No one waves. If you want to cut in, you get the Look. The go-screw-yourself-you-are-so-not-getting-in look. If you do get in, you get the okay-Iím-letting-you-in-jackass-but-Iím-not-liking-it-one-bit-so-Iím-going-to-ride-your-bumper-to-show-my-displeasure-look. Itís ugly out there I tell you.


So Iím living in an apartment that was built in the 1920ís. At first I thought it was charming. Like, oh look a different faucet for hot and cold water, that is so cute! Now though not so much. My window handle fell off in the kitchen and I had to crank it shut with a pair of pliers, breaking a nail, and causing much profanity to spew forth from my mouth. I have enough closet space for about 6 outfits. Last night, it was cold, like 40 degree cold. This is Florida, right? So I had to fire up my heater, aka the Bunsen Burner 2000. Seriously. Itís this wall unit with a valve at the bottom to turn on the gas. You weight five minutes then press a button to make a spark to light the gas, then voila, the Bunsen Burner 2000 provides heat. 1955 technology is mine today! It provides heat within a 2 foot radius, but hey, heat. As an added bonus, the entire apartment now smells like my high school chemistry lab. Keen.


My kitchen cabinets have approximately 37 layers of paint on them. I guess watched one too many home decorating shows and thought it would be fun to strip them and repaint. Okay fun? Yeah really, no, not so much. First of all, paint stripper should be called stuff that smells bad, makes your eyes water, and does not remove paint. Also, fyi, if you get paint stripper on your skin, it seems to remove it rather well. Skin, you never really miss it until itís gone do you? So know I have no cabinet doors, and peeling paint everywhere. At this point, Iíve lost all interest in the project. Damn Trading Spaces. If I had a camera crew following me about, maybe I could grunge up some more enthusiasm. Iím glad I decided not to undertake that floor stripping project, that would have just ended badly. The cabinets should be done by May. Of the year 2007.


And now a moment of silence for L@rry the Fish who was discovered dead in his bowl at approximately 8:07 a.m. this morning. He was a party favor from a wedding I attended on Saturday. In retrospect, perhaps I should have purchased him fish food instead of feeding him Andy C@pp H0t Fries. RIP L@rry the Fish.

2003-04-01 at 10:54 a.m.