Some mornings I will drive past McDonald’s and think, “Hey, you know what? You are just so awesome that you deserve a breakfast burrito”.

I do, I think that exact thought.

Thanks to yesterday’s ass oil spray though, I did not think that as I drove past McDonald’s. Instead I thought of clenching my sphincter tightly closed and pressed down on the accelerator as the icy fingers of alli played against my spine.

You know what else? If you really want the experience of trying alli (still in lowercase!) without having to spend the $62.99, here’s what you need to do: Buy a bottle of Wesson oil (my favorite brand because of Carol Brady) and pour two tablespoons directly down your underdrawers. Then sit down and squish your butt cheeks all around until they are completely coated and oiled. Throw in some mashed up Cheetos for the orange color. Then just walk around like that for the rest of the day and just see how hungry you feel.

You can thank me later. I may write a diet book based on this technique. I’m going to call it the Cheeto Oily Ass Diet. CHOAD for short. Then I would I just need to get somebody cool to endorse my diet method, like Gary Coleman or Delta Burke, and get some kick ass infomercial going on.

Once my CHOAD money starts rolling in, I am going to buy a toaster. A really nice one and I am going to have me some toast. Then I will buy a hamster (a lifelong dream of hamster ownership will be realized).

Aside from that, I am not sure how I will invest the rest of my money.

Mmmm, toast.


Other than ass oil, I have a sore throat. I don’t think the two conditions are related. I have strep throat. Or not. I went to the doctor and she told me that I might or might not have strep throat. So now I have an antibiotic that may or may not treat my issue. Well one of my issues anyhow.

That was two hours and $38 well spent.


I may be getting a dog. I had a dog, but he moved to Denver. So I have the option of receiving a trained replacement dog. A super cute little fluffy dog that I could dress up in little outfits and tiaras and have tea parties with.

Not that I plan to do such things, but it’s nice to have options. I’ll let you know how that works out.

2007-06-27 at 1:06 p.m.