I could say Iím sorry for not updating sooner, but Iíd totally be lying. I think a few of you might fall for the lie, but most of you would probably see right through it, so why waste that valuable time when there are so many other things to lie about.

I was reading an article on that runaway bride, and I really liked that even though she didnít actually come right out and apologize, she seemed ďsomewhat remorsefulĒ. That just makes everything better.

I donít know, everyone should just leave that poor retarded-looking girl alone. Flashing embarrassing pictures of her with that bugged-out, idiotic, dumbass expression on her face all over the world is bad enough. She just didn't want to marry that ugly ass man. So what if she picked a weird way to go about it? Taking a Greyhound to New Mexico to get away from a 600 person wedding wouldnít be my first choice, but hey, do your thing. Then the whole country goes on some frantic manhunt to find this skinny ass missing white girl. I mean, shoot, one 33 year old white girl jumps on a bus a couple days before her wedding and everyone goes insane, what the heck?

That said, oh my head, would it have killed her to, I donít know, leave behind a post-it note or something? I always try to do that. Oooh, you know before I heard her fiancť profess his undying devotion last night, I would have bet he would have wound up on one of those reality shows, like ďWho Wants to Marry a Jilted GroomĒ. As for her, well I guess she has to marry him now as I donít see her getting too many dates in the near future. She needs to give it up and buy herself 37 cats right now.

I got the new job at work, just not the one I wanted. The one I got involves answering a lot more phone calls. A lot more, maybe a whole cubic buttload more, I havenít actually measure the exact volume yet. If I havenít ever mentioned it, I hate answering the phone. I hate it so much that I donít even have a cell phone, because if it rang and I had to answer it, well then I would just be all kinds of pissed off. At least three distinct kinds of pissed off, and thatís saying something. Somebody help me.

You could say that I should be grateful to have a job, but you should only say that if you want to add another kind of pissed off to the range of pissed offedness that already exists. Think about it and choose wisely.

So due to lack of incoming fundage provided by the new job, I found another part-time job. It rhymes Target. No, wait a minute, it isn't really Target. It's a department store. Iím in the menís department which would be exciting if it werenít so boring. Iím supposed to average around $125/hour for my sales. Last night? I had no sales, none, zero dollars. Actually thatís not true, because I had one return, so letís just say negative thirty dollars. Rock it. I will probably be forced to go to some sort of remedial sales training.

I was almost late to work yesterday Ė the bridge I take across the bay was shut down for an accident. Emergency vehicles kept going by and helicopters. All these fools were getting out of their cars to see what was going on. Hello, obviously it was an accident, what are you hoping to see, mangled bodies? Would that make you feel better about waiting? I know I would. Plus, we were on a bridge, itís not like even if you could see what the problem was that exiting somewhere else is exactly an option. Durr, I shut off my car and read a book for 20 minutes. Then the car in front of me moves up about 10 feet, so the guy behind me starts honking, as if I am going to start my car to move a whopping 10 feet. Crazy bastard.

2005-05-03 at 9:04 p.m.